


Dress to Kill

by TheLaughingBat



Category: Batman (Comics)
Genre: Crossdressing, Love/Hate, M/M, Masochism, Mild S&M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-12
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2018-12-01 10:26:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11484441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLaughingBat/pseuds/TheLaughingBat
Summary: Batman rescues a damsel in distress...but things turn out not as they first appeared.





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Batman rescues a damsel in distress...but things turn out not as they first appeared.

  
Chapter 1

  What would you do if you heard a woman scream in the cold dark night? Would you just ignore it, reason the police will handle it? Would you just not care?  Would you be the type that would spring into action, ready for what ever danger you may face, thinking only of the possible victims safety. He was that type, in fact it was in his job description.  With trained hearing and intimate knowledge of Gotham's layout, he located the source of the scream. It was on Crime Alley.

  As he drew near, Batman could see a man in a hoodie brandishing a knife. Inches away, trapped against a building wall, was a tall slender built figure, with short jet black hair clutching a purple purse in front of them like a shield.  The hooded man lunged forward with his knife, but never made contact. A bat shaped grappling hook had wound itself around the man's knife hand and suddenly the man was hoist backward and into the air. As the hooded man was hoist up a street lamp by his arm, the Batman landed before the victim, as if out of thin air. The woman gasped and raised her purse to her face in fear and surprise.

  "It's alright, I won't hurt you." Batman said in his most gentle voice. Batman suddenly found himself transfixed as the woman lowered her purse and he could now see her face in detail.  She was breathtaking. Fine chiseled facial structure, with piercing emerald eyes and dark red painted lips. Her skin was quite pale and Batman believed she must be truly terrified.

  "You do not need to be afraid." He said, trying to comfort her. She looked at Batman, those emerald eyes seeming to bore into his sole, making him almost look away. Before he could react, the woman embraced him and held tight. Batman could hear her softly crying on his shoulder. He felt trapped all of a sudden and instinct told him to break away, but he didn't. She was scared and crying on his shoulder, he couldn't push her away. Despite appearances, he wasn't a monster. Instead he protectively wrapped his cape around her. Her crying lessened.

  "It's alright, your safe." He soothed. It all felt so natural, holding this woman he just met, almost like he knew her. He was sure he'd never forget a face like hers. A face like...an image suddenly came before his eyes of his most dangerous enemy. There were distinct similarities. She could be his twin sister. The thought horrified the dark knight. As if on cue, the woman in his arms crying started to change. It was low at first but slowly grew till there was no mistaking the all to familiar laughter. He was dreaming. It was an ungodly nightmare, it had to be. Batman grabbed the woman's shoulders and withdrew her forcefully from him. Batman held her firmly before him, now staring at a face familiar and different at the same time, smiling broadly and triumphantly.

  "Darling, you should see your face right now." Came the voice of the Joker. "It alone makes this all worthwhile...well that and the comforting little snuggle we just had." Joker hooted and Batman could do nothing but stare, unable to move. Joker tilted his head slightly and the black hair fell slightly over one of his eyes, making him look beautiful and innocent and Batman was screaming inside.

  "Batsy? Batsy!?" Asked Joker quizzically at the prone dark figure. Joker raised his eyes slightly and looked at the hooded man still hanging from the lamppost. "Oh dear, I think I may have broken him." Joker thought for a minute and then stated to laugh. "How delicious, and here I just wanted to play a little joke." The disguised Joker continued to laugh and cackle and the more he did, the tighter Batman's grip became on the Joker's shoulders. Joker soon realized this and slowly stopped laughing, but his smile remained as he stared into those clearly furious baby blue eyes of his arch nemesis. Oh this was going to be bad, several nights in intensive care bad, but Joker had figured the worse for this little ploy. If he was being truthful, that was have the fun, seeing how far he could push his dark knight over the edge.

  "Come on baby," The voice was sultrily and feminine, a voice Batman could have pictured the woman he thought he had rescued having. "Hit me with your best shot." continued the Joker, letting the voice slip back into his own. That broke Batman out of his trance. He spun Joker around making him drop the purse he had been holding. Batman pulled Joker's arms behind him and fastened his writs tightly with Batcuffs. The Joker frowned. "Well, that's no fun Batsy. Not even going to make me work for it? Or did you have something kinky in mind?" The Batman said nothing. He pressed a pad on his gauntlet and a few seconds later the Batmobile came roaring down the alley, stopping at there feet.

  "I'm taking you back to Arkham." Batman said. His voice sounded horse, as if he suddenly was able to speak after nearly having the life choked out of him."

  "Hmmmm, Nope. Been there, done that." said Joker shaking his head. Batman opened the passenger door and shoved the clown unceremoniously into the seat. "Brute." Said Joker in that female voice again which made the dark knight twitch before slamming the door on the clown. Batman rounded the vehicle to get in the driver seat but his eye suddenly caught the discarded purse. Probably best not to leave it, who knew what could be inside. He scanned it and to his surprise, there was only lipstick, a compact, and..., the last item made him visibly uncomfortable. He grabbed the purse and got into the Batmobile. He threw it onto the Joker's lap as he started the car.

  "Oh, well wasn't that gentlemanly of you to go back for my purse. You're such a dear. Do you like it? It's Chanel. Take a look inside? Of course you did, can't be to careful. It's all about "protection" isn't it. Batman said nothing but he clearly caught the pun and visibly tensed to Joker's delight. Batman did his best to ignore the giggling cross-dressed clown beside him as he backed out of the alley. He found himself taking a furtive look at a certain spot on the street, and all of Joker's words and laughter faded away from him as he remembered the fateful night his childhood ended, forever.  
"Forget something darling." Asked the Joker, breaking Batman's rumination, as the clown leaned in close to him.

  "Shut up." Growled Batman as he pushed the Joker away. The Joker just grinned as if he knew something but wouldn't say. They drove a little in silence. Batman tried his best not to look at his passenger, but the clown was being uncharacteristically quiet and it made Batman suspicious. He glanced at the clown and immediately wished he hadn't. The Joker seemed to be asleep, his head resting to the side, the black hair had fallen over one eye again. His lips were ever so slightly open. Why are you staring at his lips, screamed Batman internally and quickly shifted his gaze, but that was much worse. The Joker was wearing a long black fitted coat which now had been hiked up by Joker trying to get comfortable, folding his thin legs up and to the side to rest on the door. He was wearing a black evening dress, Batman could see the hem of it under the coat. But that's not what made Batman's mouth dry. The Joker's legs had been shaved and encased in elegant pale stockings. Batman was still starring at Joker's legs when he felt the clowns eyes on him.

  "Naughty Bat." Said the Joker playfully as he stretched out his legs to make them more visible. "Like what you see, don't you." Before the Batman could reply a loud horn blared at them and Batman shot his attention back to road before nearly getting them both killed in a car wreck. The Joker laughed uncontrollably beside him. "This is he best date ever Batsy!" Said the Joker balled up with laughter. Batman gritted his teeth and was really thinking of punching the clown now when the Joker suddenly stopped laughing and said something peculiar. "I wonder if his arm has fallen off by now. Would that happen?" The Batman didn't want to take the bate. He could feel the Joker starring at him.

  "What the hell are you talking about?" Said Batman, still feeling slightly unnerved by what had previously happened between them.

  "I think his name is Bernie or Bert. He was pretty convincing as a knife wheeling thief wan't he, though he actually is a knife wheeling thief so I guess there wasn't much acting there." Batman slammed on the breaks.

  "Dammit!" He cursed as he slammed his hands on the wheel violently. Joker's heart began to race at the sudden anger and adrenaline. His Bats was so attractive when he was furious.

  "You forgot about him didn't you." Said Joker with a wide grin. Batman turned to Joker and it was all he could do to stop from punching that stupid, beautiful... The Dark Knight internally screamed in frustration as he quite literally did a "bat-turn" and headed back to Crime Alley.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The idea came about with a what if kinda of thinking; I find it very likely Joker would do something like this just to mess with Batman's head. We've also seen Joker cross-dress in the movies and the comics, so not a wild stretch of the imagination. Also playing with the notion of when you can totally miss something just because it's in an unfamiliar setting, depicted in a way you don't expect, ie Batman not recognizing the Joker right away (though to Bats credit, the fake robbery and "rescue" all happen in seconds)
> 
> Chapter 2: On the road to Arkham...


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Batman and Joker reminise about the good old days while driving to Arkham. Upon arriving to Arkham, Batman goes on the defense but also lets his guard down...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the extremely long hiatus. ~ TheLaughingBat

Chapter 2

 

  "Please, Batsy. I promise not to try anything. I mean, how could I, with you...so close." Joker let the last word trail off his tongue.

  "Will you shut up then!?" Asked Batman, knowing full well he probably wouldn't.

  "About this? Of course!" Batman didn't believe him.

  "You really can't wait till we get to Arkham?" He asked, as a last attempt to reason with the clown.

  "It's already been around 30 mins!" Joker whined. "You've been driving back and forth and stopping at GCPD to drop of my (still) two armed associate. I feel like my own hands will fall off with how tight you fastened these Batcuffs! Now you want me to wait another 20 minutes as we head to Arkaham?!" Batman turned and looked at Joker, expression mute.

  "Yes." He said simply. Batman smiled inwardly as he could see the clown was loosing his patience. Joker's eyes narrowed at the Bat before turning his head away with a loud "hmph". The thought of a spoiled prima donna came to Batman's mind as he continued to stare at the Joker. He noticed the Joker try to move his bound hands behind him and wince slightly. In his anger, Batman may have put the Batcuffs on too tight. He sighed to himself; he knew what he was going to do, weather he liked it or not. 

  "Turn and show me your wrists." Came Batman's voice to the clowns ears. A long and proud grin creeped it's way back onto the Joker's face and he dutifully complied without a word. Batman quickly unlatched the batcuffs, trying his best not to notice how the Joker had let his nails grow much longer than usual. He had painted them expertly with a green nail polish, a hue not unlike the color of his normal chemically changed hair. As if on cue to the Batman's thoughts and with his hands once again free, the Joker pulled off the short black wig he was wearing and shook his head, letting the aforementioned green hair settle back into it's natural place. Joker closed his eyes and ran his long fingers through his hair. He opened his eyes and saw Batman starring. The Joker smiled, winked, and kissed the air in the dark knight's direction. Batman quickly turned around and focused intently on his driving. The Joker wondered why he bothered wearing a mask if he was going to continue to be so transparent.

  "Would you like me to put it back on?" Asked Joker suddenly. Batman's eyebrows furrowed under his mask.

  "What?" He asked gruffly.

  "The wig, darling. You seemed to like it so I thought-" Batman cut him off.

  "No." Why did he care; what did it matter, Batman wondered. It irritated him. In truth, if he were ever to admit it, he liked Joker's hair as it was. Different, unique, and strange, like the clown himself. Batman didn't dare look over at Joker again. Out of the corner of his eye, Batman saw the discarded wig land on the dashboard.

  "It was starting to itch, which considering what I payed for it is grounds for demanding a refund." Said Joker annoyed. To his surprise, he got Batman grinning.

  "You mean to tell me you actually payed for something?" Asked Batman, somewhere between amazement and disbelief.

  "Figure of speech darling, please. You know me better than that." Cooed the Joker. Batman actually let out a chuckle.  
He felt the Joker watching him intently. It made him shift slightly in his seat. What was going through that twisted mind?

  "You don't smile enough Bats." Said the clown softly. His voice was stable, almost sane. Batman tightened his grip on the steering wheel, the chuckle having died away, his grin completely gone.

  "No." Was all Batman said in reply.

  "Is it because of me?" He heard Joker's voice catch at the end, as if he was truly upset at the notion. He was pretending, surely. Batman never knew the Joker to get "choked up" unless it was actual physical choking and he was the instigator.

  "No." Said Batman again before he could actually think. But it was true, in a way. Joker was only a symptom of the real reason.

  "Do you remember that time, when I kidnapped Commissioner Gordon and tried to drive him mad?" Asked Joker. There was no laugh behind the question, just simply stated as an honest question. Nevertheless, Batman's blood ran cold at the memory. How could he ever forget.

  "You should stop talking now, Joker." said Batman, voice filled with angry caution. The clown ignored the warning and continued, looking out his door window as he spoke, his chin resting on his knuckles as his elbow perched on the arm rest.

  "You said something to me in that hall of mirrors. You said, 'Maybe ordinary people don't always crack. Maybe there isn't any need to crawl under a rock with all the other slimey things when trouble hits...Maybe it was just you, all the time.'" Batman said nothing. He was genuinely surprised that Joker had remembered word for word what Batman had said. Still, it wasn't like Joker to reminisce. What was he up to?

  "I reacted like an unruly child, having found out there is no "sanity clause" and not accepting it." Continued Joker, somberly. "But you were right, it was just me." He began to giggle unsteadily. "You gave me a compliment that night and it went right over me." It wasn't a compliment, thought Batman.

  "It wasn't a compliment, Joker." He said, echoing his thoughts. Joker tilted his head to look over at the Dark Knight.

  "No? You told a mad man he was mad! How is that not a compliment!?" I guess it's more of an obvious observation, but still." In his twisted logic, perhaps, thought Batman. It troubled him that he understood how the clown thought, but it was also a great asset in deducing what the clown prince of crime might do.

  "Why are you bringing this up?" Asked Batman. Joker turned his head and starred off at nothing.

  "I'm not sure...what were we talking about again?" Asked Joker, turning back to Bats with a grin. With Joker, you really didn't know if he had actually forgotten or was playing with you.

  "We're here." Said Batman looking out the windshield at the large gothic gate displaying the words Arkham.

  "Cue the spooky music and lightening storm." Said Joker, his expression sour as he looked at the entrance to Arkham Asylum. "I would add all it needs is a mad scientist and some monsters but well..." Batman ignored the clown as he put the Batmobile in park and got out, locking it again as he did, and went to the gates intercom. He was back in the Batmobile in a matter of seconds.

  "I can't go in there." said Joker sounding somewhat nervous. Batman raised a brow under his cowl. Joker made a fluid gesture to his current appearance.  
  "I'd be fresh meat!" Joker said with a smile. Batman just stared at him. Was he serious?  
The smile faded from the Joker as he read Batman's expression. The Joker shifted his gaze away, no longer able to keep eye contact. Had Batman actually offended the clown? Wasn't this all a big joke? Why was there this sudden uncomfortable feeling in his gut at seeing the Joker pensive.

  The gate opened and Batman in, but stopped the car when they were clear of the gate.

  "You should take those clothes and make-up off." Batman said quietly.  
Normally, he'd get a witty and likely sexual response. The response he got instead made his gut tighten.

  "Bother's you that much, huh?" Joker said with a half hearted grin.

  "No." Said Batman, again without thinking. Joker smiled fully as he focused back on Batman. Batman tried to recover, ignoring the fact the tightness in his chest had eased when he saw the Joker genuinely smile. "No Joker, I know you. I know what you'd do to anyone who gave you so much as the wrong look. I'll not have you create a scene in Arkham." Before Joker could protest, Batman got out of the Batmobile, locked it and walked away. Joker didn't try to escape, he knew Batman had locked him in, and from previous experience he knew it was near impossible to break into the batmobile, let alone break out. It was ten minutes before he heard footsteps returning. 

   Joker's door unlocked and swung open. Standard issue Arkham inmate uniform and toiletries for his makeup where dumped in the Joker's lap. Joker frowned and looked up at the Dark Knight and an Arkham officer behind him.

  "Put them on Joker. Clean your face. This is Officer Danes." Oh goody, Chucky Danes, thought Joker. The officer was a particular thorn in Joker's side while at Arkham and he wondered why he hadn't killed him yet.

  "Hmph." Said Joker giving a sneer at Danes, then focusing back on his Dark Knight. "We were having such a nice time Bats. You can be sure I'm going to have to think long and hard about a second date." Joker suddenly got out, standing at his full height, holding his Arkham goodies. Batman didn't flinch, but Danes had his hand ready on his weapon. "Easy there Charles, wouldn't want that to go off accidentally, now would we." He playfully smiled at Batman, his demeanor suggesting more than what was said.

  "It's alright Danes." Said Batman eyes still on the Joker. "Change Joker."

  "What? Right hear?" Asked Joker with mock surprise and began laughing. "I knew you wouldn't disappoint, Darling. Do we really need the third wheel?" He said, pointing a finger to Danes. "It feels so less intimate..." Joker leaned into the Dark Knight. "Unless you're up for a threesome? I can accommodate, just for you." The clown whispered seductively in his ear. He should have known better, and maybe he did, either way the clown prince of crime was rewarded for his behavior with a gut punch that sent him falling back against the batmobile in a huff. The clown was bent over holding his stomach but it didn't stop him from laughing.  
"I guess the spell is broken, aye lover." Said Joker with an evil grin. He was angry now, and that was dangerous.

  "You want me to taze this homo freak, Batman." Said Danes with clear malice. Batman saw Joker brissle slightly. Batman responded by turning on Danes in an instant. Had the man lost his mind, threatening the Joker like that!? Batman kicked himself for allowing this man to accompany him.

  "You will not taze anyone, Mr. Danes!" Said Batman in a dangerous low growl that made Joker shiver with glee. Batman used his large imposing figure to loom over Danes threateningly. The man seemed to visible shrink. "You are no longer needed Mr. Danes. You may continue with your duties and I will escort the prisoner myself." Batman leaned in close to the cowering man. "I can be assured that you will say nothing about this incident, because if you do, I'll know." The last two words were said with such malice it sent wonderful shivers throughout the Joker's body. His dark knight in Kevlar armor. Batman eased up on the pathetic little man that was Officer Danes. The officer hesitated for a moment then nearly tripped over himself in his hurry to get away. When the officer was out of sight, Batman rubbed his head; he felt foolish and ashamed. He would have to talk to Dr. Arkham about Dane's.

  "You were magnificent!" Said Joker gleefully. "Though I would have ripped his tongue out and shoved it down his throat, but to each his own." Batman held his temper. He was too tired and just wanted this night over. "Just hurry and change Joker." Said Batman not turning to look at the clown.  To Batman's surprise it sounded like the Joker was complying. Never the less he felt the clowns eyes on him the whole time.  "You don't have to be so shy, dear. I'm not?" Batman didn't doubt that for a second.  
"Ok," He heard the clown reply in a huff; he sounded almost as tired as Batman felt. "I'm decent." Batman was half afraid he'd turn to see the Joker in nothing but...he stopped his mind there.

  Turning, he saw the Joker was clothed (thank God) in the Arkham uniform. He also noted that the coat, dress, tights and shoes were neatly arranged on the passenger seat of the Bat mobile. The Arkham uniform looked semi-decent on the clown, as much as a bland gray boiler suit could. Joker had also removed his make-up, as Batman had suggested. Batman wondered if he'd ever seen Joker without his lipstick? Of course he had, he must of. Why now did it feel strange, wrong even.

  "Am I plain enough for you?" Asked Joker as if reading Batman's thoughts. The Joker licked his lips off and on with a dejected expression.

  "You could have kept the lipstick on." Said Batman before he could stop himself. Joker stopped licking his lips mid way and part of his tongue protruded from his mouth, like a cat with a blep. It was almost endearing. Joker rolled his eyes.

  "Now you tell me." He said exasperated. "I do feel naked without it. Luckily, I always carry some with me." Joker reached into the Batmobile and took out the purse he had been carrying earlier. He took out the lipstick and began to apply it expertly, looking in the side mirror, glancing a few times at Batman to see if he was watching. He was. Joker smacked his lips when finished and turned to Batman, leaning suggestively on the Batmobile.  "There, much better." Said Joker. Batman said nothing as he took out another set of batcuffs from somewhere on his person. Joker whined in protest as Batman grabbed both his arms and fastened the cuffs around Joker's wrists.  Batman made sure the cuffs were tight but not as tight as before.  "Hey, Bats?" Said Joker gently.

  "What?" Asked Batman, all business.

  "Aren't you going to give me a goodnight kiss?" Batman looked up from Joker's wrist, giving away nothing as he heard the cuffs lock into place. Like some secret signal, Joker reacted. He planted those newly painted lips on the Bat before the caped crusader knew what hit him.  Batman instinctively pushed the clown off him, but he found he was the one stumbling backward. His head was clouding, his lips felt numb. Poison? He felt his legs give way as he feel to his knees. Through his growing haze he heard the clown talking to him, a gentle giggle following the words.  "Shhh now, my pet. I haven't poisoned you. You're going to take a nap is all, and you could use one I dare say. Alas, I won't be hear when you wake but we'll see each other soon enough." Batman felt his body fall forward. A soft hand caressed the side of his cheek. Joker spoke once more, a whisper in his ear. "Thanks for the ride darling, it was a thrill." Then everything faded to black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3: Kiss and Tell


End file.
